Bali, July 2015

There are mornings that are just too hard to digest. Mornings when I just feel like crawling back to my bed and just falling asleep one more time. To temporarily get rid of the pain inside my heart. One more time. It’s addictive, to fall asleep and to feel nothing. It never solved the real problem though. Still I think, I would take it whenever I’m given the chance.

I’m sitting on the beach and wondering about my life, my job, my family, my friends, everything. One absolute thing about growing up, things are not perfect and often not as you want them to be.

The part that makes me wanting to be a five year old girl again from this growing up thingy is the fact that as an adult I have to constantly make decisions. Decisions that are often against my heart or at the very least decisions that I haven’t got enough time to think about it thoroughly but I have to make one anyway. Because then comes consequences, the soulmate of decisions.

The thing is, you cannot wait forever to make a decision. You can take your time, but I’ve learned there’s a limit for that as well. Conclusion on making decision: be wise enough to take your time, but be brave enough to make one. Because sometimes you know what’s right already, you just feel like you cannot deal with the consequences. No lies, sometimes doing the right thing gives you heartache, especially when it’s against your will.

That’s the bad part: decision sometimes comes in a package together with pain. But no worries, good part: there’s always something to learn and you’ll know better.

I came to realize that life needs the waves to keep me awake.