At 3 am, on this day, ten years ago, I woke up in a hospital room to find my dad already passed away on the hospital bed. My mother and my brothers were asleep around the bed. I woke everybody up, and the tears just burst in the room. One of my brothers actually requested to do code blue (resuscitate) despite us having Dad not in the ICU because we wished to be around him in his final hours. But I think my dad wanted to go peacefully.

The afternoon before, I got a call from my mom telling me to come home from office as my dad’s bp kept dropping. He’s been at home, on a rented hospital bed and with a private nurse, for the last two weeks. My family went through a long and excruciating journey in such a short period of time. Liver cancer took my dad away in just less than two months after being diagnosed. We did everything we could; took him to Malacca, Guangzhou, countless hospitals in Jakarta, but they all gave up. After Guangzhou my dad knew there’s nothing else we can do and he asked to just be at home.

I forgot what I felt during those final weeks, it’s blurry. I think I was on survival-mode that I just functioned like a machine.

This morning, for no reason, I woke up at around 3.30 am. Then I suddenly got very very sad and remember my dad as the silence I woke up to was similar to ten years ago. Then I looked at my son who is sleeping next to me and can’t help but wonder why my dad didn’t get a chance to meet him. I don’t have the answer to that, but keeping the faith that everything happens for a reason.

I miss his jokes and his contagious laugh the most! Such a funny guy he is. Oh how I miss him a lot.

Here we are, pah, ten years after you left, doing all good. Sorry cannot make time to visit you today. Please visit me in my dream!