My weeks before Christmas

It was raining outside and I checked my calendar, guess what? Christmas is less than 50 days away. Excited and mellow at the same time. The second year Dad’s not around anymore. He was never really fond of celebrations, but still I miss him more during Christmas.

I had a weird dreams with him in it two weeks in a row. The first one was that he was gently caressing my cheek with the back of his hand while I was half asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night and felt confused. It felt so real. Just so you know, all my life he was the only man who always did that to me. It’s always comforting and that’s always how he eased my anger.

The other dream was weird. Somebody told me that he saw my Dad somewhere so I asked him to show me where he is. We went on a quest to find my Dad and ended up finding him chatting and laughing with a bunch of strangers with some drinks on the table. I said “Pah!” and he said, “Oh halo sayang! Guys, this is my daughter.” So I shook hand with everybody on that table and I woke up. 🙂

Last week was also a quite bizarre week. There were a lot of misunderstandings, mishaps and it was surely a roller coaster week for me. But amazingly, the more things went wrong the more I know myself better. One thing for sure, based on past experiences, if God is about to teach me something new, I always have to learn it the hard way. Never know why it always has to be like that, but most probably because He knows I’m so stubborn and hard like a rock. I’m ok with that, because He knows best.

The terrorist attack in Paris followed by the social media saga where people were complaining why Facebook only provide France’s flag for the profile picture, and so on. How people start to connect everything that happened to religion. How some amazing people tried to explain it but got buried in an ocean full of misleading thoughts. I have couple of paragraphs to respond to that, but I choose not to. Potatoes will potate anyway! It’s saddening how human’s mind can grasp and justify the concept of taking lives of other as a way to emphasize your statement. It’s so saddening that it creates anger in my heart. No good.

You know what is really essential lately? I pray more than I used to be. It soothes me a lot. Sometimes I only whispered “God, can I just be happy?”. Funny how His answer was through the new song titled “Wanna Be Happy?” from Kirk Franklin’s new album. Pretty amazing, right?!

So, let’s start the countdown for Christmas. On my wish-list: Sony Alpha 7 and new Kindle. Fingers crossed Santa is reading this post :-p

Hohoho….

S

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That Frank Sinatra’s Songs

I’m laying down in my bed staring at the ceiling. The more I stare, the more I don’t understand what I’m doing. It’s a bit chill tonight. I’m in my planet, reading a good book while suddenly I realize there’s Frank Sinatra’s song playing on my speaker. Bewitched. So I start checking my phone and apparently it’s playing the whole album of Mr. Sinatra. Not bad at all.

For once in my life. I know how songs can influence my mood strongly most of the time. But I really don’t know what to feel while listening to the album. But then I thought, good enough. I just lay down and start to just enjoying the song. Fly me to the moon. Independently feel ok. Really nice feeling.

I’ve been constantly planning a million items my whole life and when it doesn’t go as planned I suddenly feel like a stranger in the night. But this feeling at this very moment is really really nice. I’m ok with chaos. I’m accepting it because I learned sometimes uncertainty can lead you to a new and a better thing. Who knows, right.

My way might seem always the right ones. I still think they are, still. But, if it turned out wrong, call me irresponsible but I can live with that. I need to be careless sometimes, it’s good.

It’s a lovely night for me. I hope for you too.

S

Dearest night

I miss you all the time and I’m always wanting you more. I cannot skip you nor can I own you. I enjoy your presence though I know sometimes I admire you not the way you want me to. You warm my heart, but sometimes you also make my sleep a little bit colder than usual.

I dream about days I can just treat you like normal people. But I’m not normal that way. I cannot touch you, I can only feel you. Still I’m thankful for that. You are the sky and I cannot reach you so I decided to watch you from afar. Even then, everything is not ok but somehow my mind is at peace.

Night, I hope you’ll get the best out of life. I pray that you will always have moon to give you light and guidance, and also stars to give you company and to keep you happy.

Good night, night!

A letter to my father

Hi Pah,

how is it going up there? I’m imagining you are sweeping the garden there wearing your short and your towel shirt and headband. Afterwards you will just take a shower and a nap. Later on, you will make yourself a cup of tea and talking to people. You always know how to make people laugh and make them feel as if your presence is a dear warm sunlight.

I always picture heaven with big gardens and colorful flowers blooming everywhere. And you were always fond of this scenery. I don’t know why you loved sweeping the garden so much, every time I asked your answer had always been: “In Shaolin Temple, the first lesson for the monks was to sweep the garden.” You said it’s a test whether you would do the smallest thing with sincerity and the best intention. Point taken.

I’ve been going ups and downs since you left. I miss you every day. Every night. I found it even hard for me to sleep sometimes, because I kept thinking about you and wondered whether you are also thinking about me. Now that you’re gone, I’m remembering and analyzing what you have done all your life. It always ends with a thought of how grateful I am to be your daughter. That I got to learn so many beautiful things from you, a very kind-hearted person.

Sometimes when disappointment knocks on my door and I feel really sad, I think about why can’t I be careless and be more logical about things. But then I thought, I’m my father’s daughter. You put a lot of piece of you in me and there’s no way I will change that.

You always said that a small start is also a start and it will grow bigger every time I add a piece of my heart into it. Even when I’m sweeping the floor. It might be a tiny job to do, but then you pointed out that when we do it wholeheartedly, it will be so meaningful as if it has invisible touch of love. You have always believed in kindness that it confused me sometimes why you let people abuse your kindness. Then you told me “when it doesn’t work the way you want it, but you have done all your good, you will be ok. Even when it takes awhile for your heart to be ok.”

You taught me that it’s ok to get hurt from putting all your heart into something. You told me that something will hurt so bad only when I love that much. Even then, the pain will turn into a beautiful thing, because I will always end up knowing that I actually have a really big heart and am so capable of sharing that much of love.

Vermisse dich sehr, Pah. Ich schreibe dir etwas anderes mal.

Lovelovelove,

Sara

Letting go..

Something you have heard many times in your life. It’s raining badly and I just need to get it out of my chest.

Most of brave people I know, they know how to push through, when to do it and when they should stop. You see, when we are letting go of things that burdened us, it was never meant to show that we are weak and careless. It righteously shows that we are even braver to take risk of getting hurt and less harm for others. Wiser. Stronger.

It’s a tough season for me lately, juggling between so many things, one mishap to another. It eats you, drains you. But deep down inside I know I can make it through this and I also know that the worst part is when I’m being in this taking one little step one day at a time to get out of it.

I’m a list-freak, I created a lot of lists in my life that I cannot count anymore. So here’s the list for today:

  • Let go of things that you cannot control. I know this sentence for around ten years now, nevertheless it took me a deep and long process of sleepless night to remember it back again.
  • Let go of pain you cannot get rid of. Pain. It is always necessary to have it, it reminds you that you are human that you feel and you sense. Embrace it. Try things: sing it away, sleep it away, work it away, smoke it away, drink it away, etc.
  • Let go of things you cannot have.  Your mind and your heart might sometimes know that this one particular is the perfect one, it feels so right and logically speaking is also correct. And then, breaking news: you cannot have it. Let it fly and set it free, as one wise man said: what’s meant for you, will come back to you. What’s not meant for you, will never be for you. Even when it feels right. Yes, even when it feels sooo right.
  • Let go of that exhaustion. Tough season is tiring, but you have to get it out of your system. You have to be able to lay down and force your mind to not think about anything. Not even solutions and plans. I know it is always good to make plans, but it forces your mind too much at some point and you need to stop.

So.. Things, persons, I’m letting you go. I’ve always been so clear in conveying my view, but you seem to either reserve your answer or contradict me. I need to put my life at ease, so I’m letting you all to fly away and be free. I wish I could fly with you and see the world together but my wings are broken. So damaged that I will have to stay on the ground and only look up to the sky.

Rain..rain.. you’re killing me inside. You’re cold and beast. You don’t wash away the sorrow, you speak my tears in a precise way. Thank you and thank you.

-Sara-

About love

Love is pain
Don’t be scared, don’t run
Don’t close your heart

Sky has no limit, my heart too
Let it be friends with time
It reveals, it heals

Right words, right words
They don’t matter
The water is crystal clear I can see through

Thought the mornings are the hardest
But apparently the nights too
As well as days

It says “good night, good night”
But it lied and it crushed me
So resting mind breaths peace

Fly fly away
Sleep now with the stars
Warm sun will kiss you

Go on sleep with the stars

May 2014

Don’t Repeat The Hurt. Delete It!

Dear friends, please acknowledge that the author of what you are about to read is Pastor Rick Warren. I have his daily devotional sent to me regularly everyday and this one, I feel this strong urge to share it. It may not clearly visible, but am sure there are broken souls who need this. Sharing is caring! : )

Happy reading!

 

Author: Rick Warren

“Whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop (leave it, let it go), in order that your Father Who is in heaven may also forgive you your own failings and shortcomings and let them drop.” (Mark 11:25 AMP)

When people hurt us, we have two natural tendencies: remember and retaliate.

But that’s not what 1 Corinthians 13:5 tell us to do: “Love keeps no record of being wronged”(NLT).

So how should you respond to the people who have hurt you? How do you handle all of those wounds and hurts that you’ve stockpiled in your memory?

You don’t repeat them; you delete them. Let it go. Forgive, and get on with your life.

When we get hurt, we tend to repeat that hurt in three ways: emotionally in our minds, relationally as a weapon, and practically by telling other people.

First, we repeat it by going over and over it in our mind. But resentment is self-destructive. It only perpetuates the pain. It never heals. It never solves anything. Whatever you think about most is what you move toward. If all you think about is how much you’ve been hurt in the past, you’ll only move toward the past. But if you focus on the future, you move toward the future. If you focus on potential, you move toward the potential.

Second, we repeat our hurt in relationships. We use it as wedges and weapons. “Remember when you did that?” “But you did this!”

The Bible says in Proverbs 17:9, “Love forgets mistakes. Nagging about them parts the best of friends” (LB). It also parts marriages and every other relationship you have. Nagging doesn’t work.

Third, we repeat our hurt by telling it to other people. It’s called gossip! We tell everybody else except God and the person with whom we have the problem.

Did you know that God hates gossip? He hates it as much as he hates pride, because that’s what gossip is. Gossip is pure and simple ego — trying to make ourselves look and feel better. Every time you share gossip, you are being prideful, and God hates pride and gossip.

Love keeps no record of wrongs. Love doesn’t repeat a wound so that it turns into resentment or gossip or pride. Love responds to hurt by letting it go.

“Whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop (leave it, let it go), in order that your Father Who is in heaven may also forgive you your own failings and shortcomings and let them drop” (Mark 11:25 AMP).

Talk It Over

  • What hurt have you rehearsed over and over in your mind that you need to let go of today?
  • Why do you think it’s easier to nag about a mistake rather than forgive it? Is it really easier in the long run?
  • What do you need to change about the way you respond to gossip?