Category Archives: Uncategorized

Dearest night

I miss you all the time and I’m always wanting you more. I cannot skip you nor can I own you. I enjoy your presence though I know sometimes I admire you not the way you want me to. You warm my heart, but sometimes you also make my sleep a little bit colder than usual.

I dream about days I can just treat you like normal people. But I’m not normal that way. I cannot touch you, I can only feel you. Still I’m thankful for that. You are the sky and I cannot reach you so I decided to watch you from afar. Even then, everything is not ok but somehow my mind is at peace.

Night, I hope you’ll get the best out of life. I pray that you will always have moon to give you light and guidance, and also stars to give you company and to keep you happy.

Good night, night!


A letter to my father

Hi Pah,

how is it going up there? I’m imagining you are sweeping the garden there wearing your short and your towel shirt and headband. Afterwards you will just take a shower and a nap. Later on, you will make yourself a cup of tea and talking to people. You always know how to make people laugh and make them feel as if your presence is a dear warm sunlight.

I always picture heaven with big gardens and colorful flowers blooming everywhere. And you were always fond of this scenery. I don’t know why you loved sweeping the garden so much, every time I asked your answer had always been: “In Shaolin Temple, the first lesson for the monks was to sweep the garden.” You said it’s a test whether you would do the smallest thing with sincerity and the best intention. Point taken.

I’ve been going ups and downs since you left. I miss you every day. Every night. I found it even hard for me to sleep sometimes, because I kept thinking about you and wondered whether you are also thinking about me. Now that you’re gone, I’m remembering and analyzing what you have done all your life. It always ends with a thought of how grateful I am to be your daughter. That I got to learn so many beautiful things from you, a very kind-hearted person.

Sometimes when disappointment knocks on my door and I feel really sad, I think about why can’t I be careless and be more logical about things. But then I thought, I’m my father’s daughter. You put a lot of piece of you in me and there’s no way I will change that.

You always said that a small start is also a start and it will grow bigger every time I add a piece of my heart into it. Even when I’m sweeping the floor. It might be a tiny job to do, but then you pointed out that when we do it wholeheartedly, it will be so meaningful as if it has invisible touch of love. You have always believed in kindness that it confused me sometimes why you let people abuse your kindness. Then you told me “when it doesn’t work the way you want it, but you have done all your good, you will be ok. Even when it takes awhile for your heart to be ok.”

You taught me that it’s ok to get hurt from putting all your heart into something. You told me that something will hurt so bad only when I love that much. Even then, the pain will turn into a beautiful thing, because I will always end up knowing that I actually have a really big heart and am so capable of sharing that much of love.

Vermisse dich sehr, Pah. Ich schreibe dir etwas anderes mal.



Letting go..

Something you have heard many times in your life. It’s raining badly and I just need to get it out of my chest.

Most of brave people I know, they know how to push through, when to do it and when they should stop. You see, when we are letting go of things that burdened us, it was never meant to show that we are weak and careless. It righteously shows that we are even braver to take risk of getting hurt and less harm for others. Wiser. Stronger.

It’s a tough season for me lately, juggling between so many things, one mishap to another. It eats you, drains you. But deep down inside I know I can make it through this and I also know that the worst part is when I’m being in this taking one little step one day at a time to get out of it.

I’m a list-freak, I created a lot of lists in my life that I cannot count anymore. So here’s the list for today:

  • Let go of things that you cannot control. I know this sentence for around ten years now, nevertheless it took me a deep and long process of sleepless night to remember it back again.
  • Let go of pain you cannot get rid of. Pain. It is always necessary to have it, it reminds you that you are human that you feel and you sense. Embrace it. Try things: sing it away, sleep it away, work it away, smoke it away, drink it away, etc.
  • Let go of things you cannot have.  Your mind and your heart might sometimes know that this one particular is the perfect one, it feels so right and logically speaking is also correct. And then, breaking news: you cannot have it. Let it fly and set it free, as one wise man said: what’s meant for you, will come back to you. What’s not meant for you, will never be for you. Even when it feels right. Yes, even when it feels sooo right.
  • Let go of that exhaustion. Tough season is tiring, but you have to get it out of your system. You have to be able to lay down and force your mind to not think about anything. Not even solutions and plans. I know it is always good to make plans, but it forces your mind too much at some point and you need to stop.

So.. Things, persons, I’m letting you go. I’ve always been so clear in conveying my view, but you seem to either reserve your answer or contradict me. I need to put my life at ease, so I’m letting you all to fly away and be free. I wish I could fly with you and see the world together but my wings are broken. So damaged that I will have to stay on the ground and only look up to the sky.

Rain..rain.. you’re killing me inside. You’re cold and beast. You don’t wash away the sorrow, you speak my tears in a precise way. Thank you and thank you.


About love

Love is pain
Don’t be scared, don’t run
Don’t close your heart

Sky has no limit, my heart too
Let it be friends with time
It reveals, it heals

Right words, right words
They don’t matter
The water is crystal clear I can see through

Thought the mornings are the hardest
But apparently the nights too
As well as days

It says “good night, good night”
But it lied and it crushed me
So resting mind breaths peace

Fly fly away
Sleep now with the stars
Warm sun will kiss you

Go on sleep with the stars

May 2014

Don’t Repeat The Hurt. Delete It!

Dear friends, please acknowledge that the author of what you are about to read is Pastor Rick Warren. I have his daily devotional sent to me regularly everyday and this one, I feel this strong urge to share it. It may not clearly visible, but am sure there are broken souls who need this. Sharing is caring! : )

Happy reading!


Author: Rick Warren

“Whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop (leave it, let it go), in order that your Father Who is in heaven may also forgive you your own failings and shortcomings and let them drop.” (Mark 11:25 AMP)

When people hurt us, we have two natural tendencies: remember and retaliate.

But that’s not what 1 Corinthians 13:5 tell us to do: “Love keeps no record of being wronged”(NLT).

So how should you respond to the people who have hurt you? How do you handle all of those wounds and hurts that you’ve stockpiled in your memory?

You don’t repeat them; you delete them. Let it go. Forgive, and get on with your life.

When we get hurt, we tend to repeat that hurt in three ways: emotionally in our minds, relationally as a weapon, and practically by telling other people.

First, we repeat it by going over and over it in our mind. But resentment is self-destructive. It only perpetuates the pain. It never heals. It never solves anything. Whatever you think about most is what you move toward. If all you think about is how much you’ve been hurt in the past, you’ll only move toward the past. But if you focus on the future, you move toward the future. If you focus on potential, you move toward the potential.

Second, we repeat our hurt in relationships. We use it as wedges and weapons. “Remember when you did that?” “But you did this!”

The Bible says in Proverbs 17:9, “Love forgets mistakes. Nagging about them parts the best of friends” (LB). It also parts marriages and every other relationship you have. Nagging doesn’t work.

Third, we repeat our hurt by telling it to other people. It’s called gossip! We tell everybody else except God and the person with whom we have the problem.

Did you know that God hates gossip? He hates it as much as he hates pride, because that’s what gossip is. Gossip is pure and simple ego — trying to make ourselves look and feel better. Every time you share gossip, you are being prideful, and God hates pride and gossip.

Love keeps no record of wrongs. Love doesn’t repeat a wound so that it turns into resentment or gossip or pride. Love responds to hurt by letting it go.

“Whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop (leave it, let it go), in order that your Father Who is in heaven may also forgive you your own failings and shortcomings and let them drop” (Mark 11:25 AMP).

Talk It Over

  • What hurt have you rehearsed over and over in your mind that you need to let go of today?
  • Why do you think it’s easier to nag about a mistake rather than forgive it? Is it really easier in the long run?
  • What do you need to change about the way you respond to gossip?

All Out of Love

It can be two things:

1. You gave it all to a person who means the world to you until you have nothing more.

2. You lost hope and you don’t trust the system of love anymore,

Both happened. Both no good.

Many things can drain love from your system. And when you are completely empty, bitterness clouds you from getting the best out of life. You have to have a solid love-source so that you will never run out of it and hence you can share it to others.

Most of the time this world is all about making a ‘good-investment’. While in earthly matters you have to consider a lot of things to make sure you’ll get the benefit, loving God is proven and guaranteed to let you gain a lot of benefits. If you let Him, He will make you a person who is never running out of love. Bitterness would be a non-existing word for you.

The truth is I have never seen a single person who is full of love and bitter at the same time. It’s a solid case, you have to get rid of bitterness so that you can be full of love, or (by your choice) the other way around.

To be steadily full of love, come to the right source, God.

I can do all this through him who gives me strength. (Phil 4:13)

His Grace is sufficient and we all know that it is true. So here’s what we are going to do: first time in the morning, come to the unlimited love-source, God, read that bible, pray.

Be someone who has so much love to give.

Be the light that brighten up the surrounding.

Be right that the wrong will be shameful.

Be so kind-hearted that crushes bad intention.

Be Christ-like that everyone can see His love inside of you.

I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. (Eph 3:16)



Let us say grace…

I would like to take the time to thank God for everything that He has given me in my life.

He has given me:

A great parent who taught me love and sincerity..

Two brothers who are amazingly protecting me from whatever harm may greet me..

Family who is so full of kindness and goodness..

Best friends who are like sisters who care and share laugh and tears together as we grow up..

Friends who brought clarity of how diverse and complicated people are that I learned to respect differences..

Talent that allows me to share my joy, my sadness, my belief to other people..

A job that is shaping my way of thinking about world..

Colleagues who believe in me and my work so that I always strive for the best outcome..

Dogs to take care of so that I learn comfort and responsibility at the same time..

Pain so that I got to bring my faith to another level and believe that it was all necessary for me to be the new and better me..

Patience so that I got to understand that You are in control of my life..

I may have ran out of positive adjectives to explain what God has given me throughout my life, but He is so great that He will keep giving what I cannot imagine. Something that I couldn’t think of.

Let us say grace!

Understand life, enjoy it and get the best out of it.

Allow me to share my notes from Festival of Life, which sermon was delivered by Joyce Meyer. This one is from the 1st session, in Jakarta on January 17th 2013.

Joyce used the analogy of the Israelites’ journey from Egypt to the promise land. I think this is brilliant. The question acted as a teaser was that why they had to take until 40 years to get to the promise land while distance wise they only needed couple of days to get there. The brilliant part was that God used those 40 years to shape them. As He is mighty, He could have just kept them safe and brought them to the promise land right away. This is exactly the same case as in our lives. We could have reached our destination faster if we listen to God. In all those 40 years, you can read it in the bible and find out how many times they complained, turned around from God and then blaming God for their miseries afterwards.

God is so in love with us and through hardship He lets us learn to depend on Him, to count on Him, and most of all to trust Him. I would see myself as a person who is solution-minded. I could easily get stressed out if people around me are talking about the same problem over and over again. And yet after a while they will do the same thing all over again. I managed my life just fine for I was always trying to be solution-minded. But we are human and we are so limited, so then once things got out of control and seemed like there’s no solution to the problem, that’s when our world starts falling apart.

Well, we could change things, some of them, but we definitely cannot change people because only God can change people. As I get to know God day by day, I learn to set my eyes on Him. We all know the truth and believe that:

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And My ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.” (Isaiah 55:8) NLT

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them” (Romans 8:28) NLT

Our limited mind won’t get it, but have faith knowing that He will work things out. When you trust God, everything will start to fall just right in place.

Joyce also shared some of wrong thoughts that people usually have:

  • “My future depends on my past”

The truth is: it is never too late to start again, to have a new beginning, to cleaning up the mess and to start working on your life again. Why? Because if you have God, you have all you need. And how is that going to work? God has a good plan for you, but you have stop looking back. God has promised this >> Isaiah 61:7.

“Instead of shame and dishonor, you will enjoy a double share of honor. You will posses a double portion of prosperity in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours” (NLT)

God will restore what devil took from you.

  • “This is too hard”

The truth is: If God says so, nothing is too hard. If God wants you to do it, you can do it. As the children of God, we are anointed to do hard things. The last sentence may sound scary or ironic, but I’m so convinced to say that the bigger your problem, the bigger your testimony. God provides everything just enough for you to go through what He puts you through, but the choice is still yours whether you want to use all the equipment provided or to depend on your very own resources and then later saying that things are just too hard.

“I’ve never met a beautiful soul without an ugly story to tell. The greater your test, the greater your testimony.” ~Tony Gaskins

  • “I can’t wait, I need a breakthrough right now”

The sentence just sounds like someone is so impatient. I always believe that the most important material of Christianity is humility, and I still believe it is. But couple of days ago I just realized that patience is just right after that. We can act as a humble person, but without patience we might not be able to reach the plan God has prepared for us. Without it, it is so easy for us to finally screw things up. Be patient. Trust Him and wait for Him, it’s worth the wait. And foremost, no matter how long we should wait, we will wait with patience.

  • “It’s not my fault”

Oh I like this one. When people wrong you, this is exactly what will appear in your head. It is so easy to blame others for our problems. And Joyce was saying a real thing when she said this, “It feels so good to tell people how someone hurts you. How you are a victim.” I would add that it feels even better to see them nodding their heads as we tell them the story. We get back-ups, they are agreeing with us that we didn’t do anything wrong and it’s not our fault. But seriously, how is your life going to change by that? We need to let it go, and see point number one: we have to stop looking back. Hold His hand and move forward.  Letting go means to get it out of your head and to get it out of your mouth. You need to stop thinking about it and you definitely need to stop talking about it. It takes time, but be patient and you’ll see the fruit. This is particularly a serious message for all the ladies out there 😉

At the almost-end of her sermon Joyce was saying this:

Be determined to conquer your problems. Do what you need to do. God is with you.


It was quite a while ago when I had the biggest turning point in my life. I got to really experience and realize God’s love for me when I hit rock bottom. My life has changed. As weird as it may sound, but I’m grateful that I hit that bottom in the past. And at that time, I made up my mind that I was going to put my words into real action. I said that this time, it has to be real. I’m going to walk that talk.

Previously, He was only my last resource and even at that time He was too kind to me. He’ll pull me out of the misery then I will go back to my old life. Like a little child who cried and begged for something and will go happy and forget about everything once the request has been granted.

But as we all know that He is the master of restoration. He took my hand, closed my open wound, healed my pain, wiped my tears, told me how much He loves me, explained why He let me shed tears like a river, and offered me a second chance. He asked me to stand up and walk again, only this time He asked me not to let Him go, ever. He said I have to trust Him, really believe in Him. So I did and I’m still on that walk until now. He made all things new and surely He did make a new me.

You know what is best about faith? You acknowledge that in the past Jesus had gone through all things you are scared of today so that He can tell you how to handle all that. Let’s just say fear of rejection, betrayal, loneliness, physical pain, being looked down, and everything you have in mind right now, He mastered it. He had prepared everything; open the path and now we just have to go through it and even better He walks with us so that we won’t get lost.

So let’s not looking back to our past, it’s over. Let’s not waste that cross. I am strong for God is with me.

If God points one direction for me to take, I will go.

Even if the only person I will find on that road is my self, I will keep on walking.

I will move forward.

Even if I have to go through bumpy road…

Even if the path is pitch dark…

I will move forward.


Are you for real?

Everytime I see a person who is trying to please everybody, I will instantly think: “Oh dear, you’re in trouble.”

Nowadays, people’s approval is much more important than anything. Commonly, people will do and say what is politically correct or socially acceptable. The fear of rejection crawled and you chose to say what is ‘safe’. But the question is: yet is it true?

The bible has so many things to say about this. About how God doesn’t want you to please everybody. Why? Because God Himself cannot please everybody. I’m going to say that if everybody likes you, there must be something wrong with you. Are you even standing firmly on something?

“Do not join a crowd that intends to do evil. When you are on the witness stand, do not be swayed in your testimony by the opinion of the majority.” (Exodus 23:2 NLT)

God tells us to say the truth, to be brave enough to say “I’m not compromising my God whatsoever,  I AM FOR REAL!“. You know the truth so you have to defend the truth. Keep it real.

Once it was said “Silence means gold.” Yes that’s true, but silence could also mean coward. I believe that approval is important, we all need that in our lives. But whose approval is more important? People’s or God’s? As we really believe in Christ, our mind has changed, our lifestyle has changed. There will be path that we have to reject to go through because we know God will not approve it. It might be unpleasing for some people, but as true believers we have to be bold enough to say no when people want us to say yes.

Then he said to them, “You like to appear righteous in public, but God knows your hearts. What this world honors is detestable in the sight of God. (Luke 16:15 NLT)

“When people commend themselves, it doesn’t count for much. The important thing is for the Lord to commend them.” (2 Cor 10:18 NLT)

God’s approval is what matters to me. Some will say “But I’m a sensitive person and I take other’s approval emotionally.” Well, all christians should know that happiness is a choice. For us, it is always a matter of choice. To choose between firmly believe that God has full control of my life so I got nothing to worry about or let everybody around you take control of your happiness. One thing for us to remember, keep in mind: some people are just plain grouchy and unpleaseable, and that is their problem not ours.

The only one you should please is JESUS, our God. Don’t let any human be your god. Don’t let yourself living for other people’s expectations. God shaped me to be me, not to be anybody else. We should draw the line and know when to say no.

Dear Lord, help me to live a life you want me to live. Give me the courage to be brave to say no when others say yes for I’m defending what is right according to You. Let me not compromising Your grace for earthly satisfaction. Let everything that I do fulfill the great master plan You already have for me. Let me free myself to be brought into a new level of spiritual maturity by You, to able to choose what is right over what is comfortable. Amen.

Don’t let the world around you squeeze you into its own mould, but let God re-mould your minds from within, so that you may prove in practice that the plan of God for you is good, meets all his demands and moves towards the goal of true maturity. (Romans 12:2 Phillips)

Dear my brothers and sisters in Christ, let us be God’s pleaser instead of people’s pleaser. Go!