Contentment.

Do not ever try to change a person. Foremost, do not ever try to change yourself to fit into a person’s mind. Especially if that person is not in your everybody committee.

My mother always told me that I have too many friends. I think in a way that’s true. What most people around me don’t know is that I actually have a really small circle consists of only maximum five persons influencing me, plus BeyoncĂ©. Hihi.. I chose them wisely, of course.

Most friends come and go, some came back and became friends for life. Some really are gone. Some are friends for coffee, some are friends for deep convos (and coffee too). Along the way, I know I can make friends so easily even with strangers. But to filter what’s entering my thoughts is really essential.

I took every word and sentence from a convo very seriously. Because I always meant what I said, and assume everybody does too. Wrong. But that’s ok. The only person I have control over is myself so I manage myself instead.

The key of this whole thing is contentment. You really have to know what you want, where you stand, what are your goals in life and stick to it. Listening to all the words that people have to say is also inspiring, but you have to make sure you don’t ride their waves and get carried away in a wrong course. Contentment comes from doing the right thing that push you closer to your goals. If you need a daily reminder of this, take a 10 minutes in silence every single day to remember what’s the point of what you’ve done that day.

Because the truth is, my friend, to be content is one of the best feelings in the world. Yeah!

S

Because you matter to me

I’ve been told that social media is not good for me and then a good friend of mine said “I think its important to be aware of everything around you and not focus on urself all the time”. I was quiet for the reason that I thought social media is about sharing-is-caring kind of concept. To keep in touch with the people around you. In other words, it’s not about you but it’s about connecting with people. It’s not me as the center but it’s more of togetherness. However, that sentence means totally the opposite. It indicates how your socmed account is actually all about you and you only.

I don’t know if you get the logic that I’m trying to convey here. But let’s put it this way: facebook was meant to be a platform for you to keep in touch with your family, relatives and all those group of people who are matter to you but you don’t get to meet on a daily basis. The aim is to keep them updated with your life, because everybody seems to be too busy with so many things already (in a real world). Today, facebook has becoming more of a place where you get to flaunt things in your life to basically everybody. Traveling, hip restaurants, hip clubs, even participating in marathons, etc etc. 

Second example, Instagram that was meant for you to share your pictures is now more of a platform to do business and most of all to become famous. The more followers you have, the more ‘celebrity’ you’ve become. It’s saddening for me, but I must say it’s a good business.

I’m nobody to say that those are bad. What I’m trying to say is that, all of these things are creating more and more self-centered people. To me it’s a bit of an off-focus moment. It’s like too many people are trying so hard to build their virtual-reputation. But what is that for life? At the end it is always individual’s choice. To me, I like to keep it small but truly meaningful. I want to cherish my life, real life and stop trying to impress people who don’t even matter. So all of you whom I still keep close, you matter to me. And I don’t hesitate to share things with you because my virtual reputation won’t cloud your judgement about me. You know who I am and I want to keep you updated about my life, because you matter to me. Thanking Akim for that sentence. You don’t talk much but when you do, it has a blitz-impact. Wowza.

For the rest, good luck in finding your real purpose in having social media accounts. This is just a thought so don’t get offended ok. Have a happy life and peace out!

My weeks before Christmas

It was raining outside and I checked my calendar, guess what? Christmas is less than 50 days away. Excited and mellow at the same time. The second year Dad’s not around anymore. He was never really fond of celebrations, but still I miss him more during Christmas.

I had a weird dreams with him in it two weeks in a row. The first one was that he was gently caressing my cheek with the back of his hand while I was half asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night and felt confused. It felt so real. Just so you know, all my life he was the only man who always did that to me. It’s always comforting and that’s always how he eased my anger.

The other dream was weird. Somebody told me that he saw my Dad somewhere so I asked him to show me where he is. We went on a quest to find my Dad and ended up finding him chatting and laughing with a bunch of strangers with some drinks on the table. I said “Pah!” and he said, “Oh halo sayang! Guys, this is my daughter.” So I shook hand with everybody on that table and I woke up. 🙂

Last week was also a quite bizarre week. There were a lot of misunderstandings, mishaps and it was surely a roller coaster week for me. But amazingly, the more things went wrong the more I know myself better. One thing for sure, based on past experiences, if God is about to teach me something new, I always have to learn it the hard way. Never know why it always has to be like that, but most probably because He knows I’m so stubborn and hard like a rock. I’m ok with that, because He knows best.

The terrorist attack in Paris followed by the social media saga where people were complaining why Facebook only provide France’s flag for the profile picture, and so on. How people start to connect everything that happened to religion. How some amazing people tried to explain it but got buried in an ocean full of misleading thoughts. I have couple of paragraphs to respond to that, but I choose not to. Potatoes will potate anyway! It’s saddening how human’s mind can grasp and justify the concept of taking lives of other as a way to emphasize your statement. It’s so saddening that it creates anger in my heart. No good.

You know what is really essential lately? I pray more than I used to be. It soothes me a lot. Sometimes I only whispered “God, can I just be happy?”. Funny how His answer was through the new song titled “Wanna Be Happy?” from Kirk Franklin’s new album. Pretty amazing, right?!

So, let’s start the countdown for Christmas. On my wish-list: Sony Alpha 7 and new Kindle. Fingers crossed Santa is reading this post :-p

Hohoho….

S

That Frank Sinatra’s Songs

I’m laying down in my bed staring at the ceiling. The more I stare, the more I don’t understand what I’m doing. It’s a bit chill tonight. I’m in my planet, reading a good book while suddenly I realize there’s Frank Sinatra’s song playing on my speaker. Bewitched. So I start checking my phone and apparently it’s playing the whole album of Mr. Sinatra. Not bad at all.

For once in my life. I know how songs can influence my mood strongly most of the time. But I really don’t know what to feel while listening to the album. But then I thought, good enough. I just lay down and start to just enjoying the song. Fly me to the moon. Independently feel ok. Really nice feeling.

I’ve been constantly planning a million items my whole life and when it doesn’t go as planned I suddenly feel like a stranger in the night. But this feeling at this very moment is really really nice. I’m ok with chaos. I’m accepting it because I learned sometimes uncertainty can lead you to a new and a better thing. Who knows, right.

My way might seem always the right ones. I still think they are, still. But, if it turned out wrong, call me irresponsible but I can live with that. I need to be careless sometimes, it’s good.

It’s a lovely night for me. I hope for you too.

S

Dearest night

I miss you all the time and I’m always wanting you more. I cannot skip you nor can I own you. I enjoy your presence though I know sometimes I admire you not the way you want me to. You warm my heart, but sometimes you also make my sleep a little bit colder than usual.

I dream about days I can just treat you like normal people. But I’m not normal that way. I cannot touch you, I can only feel you. Still I’m thankful for that. You are the sky and I cannot reach you so I decided to watch you from afar. Even then, everything is not ok but somehow my mind is at peace.

Night, I hope you’ll get the best out of life. I pray that you will always have moon to give you light and guidance, and also stars to give you company and to keep you happy.

Good night, night!

Life lesson #onemillioneighthundredfive

Bali, July 2015

There are mornings that are just too hard to digest. Mornings when I just feel like crawling back to my bed and just falling asleep one more time. To temporarily get rid of the pain inside my heart. One more time. It’s addictive, to fall asleep and to feel nothing. It never solved the real problem though. Still I think, I would take it whenever I’m given the chance.

I’m sitting on the beach and wondering about my life, my job, my family, my friends, everything. One absolute thing about growing up, things are not perfect and often not as you want them to be.

The part that makes me wanting to be a five year old girl again from this growing up thingy is the fact that as an adult I have to constantly make decisions. Decisions that are often against my heart or at the very least decisions that I haven’t got enough time to think about it thoroughly but I have to make one anyway. Because then comes consequences, the soulmate of decisions.

The thing is, you cannot wait forever to make a decision. You can take your time, but I’ve learned there’s a limit for that as well. Conclusion on making decision: be wise enough to take your time, but be brave enough to make one. Because sometimes you know what’s right already, you just feel like you cannot deal with the consequences. No lies, sometimes doing the right thing gives you heartache, especially when it’s against your will.

That’s the bad part: decision sometimes comes in a package together with pain. But no worries, good part: there’s always something to learn and you’ll know better.

I came to realize that life needs the waves to keep me awake.

A letter to my father

Hi Pah,

how is it going up there? I’m imagining you are sweeping the garden there wearing your short and your towel shirt and headband. Afterwards you will just take a shower and a nap. Later on, you will make yourself a cup of tea and talking to people. You always know how to make people laugh and make them feel as if your presence is a dear warm sunlight.

I always picture heaven with big gardens and colorful flowers blooming everywhere. And you were always fond of this scenery. I don’t know why you loved sweeping the garden so much, every time I asked your answer had always been: “In Shaolin Temple, the first lesson for the monks was to sweep the garden.” You said it’s a test whether you would do the smallest thing with sincerity and the best intention. Point taken.

I’ve been going ups and downs since you left. I miss you every day. Every night. I found it even hard for me to sleep sometimes, because I kept thinking about you and wondered whether you are also thinking about me. Now that you’re gone, I’m remembering and analyzing what you have done all your life. It always ends with a thought of how grateful I am to be your daughter. That I got to learn so many beautiful things from you, a very kind-hearted person.

Sometimes when disappointment knocks on my door and I feel really sad, I think about why can’t I be careless and be more logical about things. But then I thought, I’m my father’s daughter. You put a lot of piece of you in me and there’s no way I will change that.

You always said that a small start is also a start and it will grow bigger every time I add a piece of my heart into it. Even when I’m sweeping the floor. It might be a tiny job to do, but then you pointed out that when we do it wholeheartedly, it will be so meaningful as if it has invisible touch of love. You have always believed in kindness that it confused me sometimes why you let people abuse your kindness. Then you told me “when it doesn’t work the way you want it, but you have done all your good, you will be ok. Even when it takes awhile for your heart to be ok.”

You taught me that it’s ok to get hurt from putting all your heart into something. You told me that something will hurt so bad only when I love that much. Even then, the pain will turn into a beautiful thing, because I will always end up knowing that I actually have a really big heart and am so capable of sharing that much of love.

Vermisse dich sehr, Pah. Ich schreibe dir etwas anderes mal.

Lovelovelove,

Sara