My weeks before Christmas

It was raining outside and I checked my calendar, guess what? Christmas is less than 50 days away. Excited and mellow at the same time. The second year Dad’s not around anymore. He was never really fond of celebrations, but still I miss him more during Christmas.

I had a weird dreams with him in it two weeks in a row. The first one was that he was gently caressing my cheek with the back of his hand while I was half asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night and felt confused. It felt so real. Just so you know, all my life he was the only man who always did that to me. It’s always comforting and that’s always how he eased my anger.

The other dream was weird. Somebody told me that he saw my Dad somewhere so I asked him to show me where he is. We went on a quest to find my Dad and ended up finding him chatting and laughing with a bunch of strangers with some drinks on the table. I said “Pah!” and he said, “Oh halo sayang! Guys, this is my daughter.” So I shook hand with everybody on that table and I woke up. ๐Ÿ™‚

Last week was also a quite bizarre week. There were a lot of misunderstandings, mishaps and it was surely a roller coaster week for me. But amazingly, the more things went wrong the more I know myself better. One thing for sure, based on past experiences, if God is about to teach me something new, I always have to learn it the hard way. Never know why it always has to be like that, but most probably because He knows I’m so stubborn and hard like a rock. I’m ok with that, because He knows best.

The terrorist attack in Paris followed by the social media saga where people were complaining why Facebook only provide France’s flag for the profile picture, and so on. How people start to connect everything that happened to religion. How some amazing people tried to explain it but got buried in an ocean full of misleading thoughts. I have couple of paragraphs to respond to that, but I choose not to. Potatoes will potate anyway! It’s saddening how human’s mind can grasp and justify the concept of taking lives of other as a way to emphasize your statement. It’s so saddening that it creates anger in my heart. No good.

You know what is really essential lately? I pray more than I used to be. It soothes me a lot. Sometimes I only whispered “God, can I just be happy?”. Funny how His answer was through the new song titled “Wanna Be Happy?” from Kirk Franklin’s new album. Pretty amazing, right?!

So, let’s start the countdown for Christmas. On my wish-list: Sony Alpha 7 and new Kindle. Fingers crossed Santa is reading this post :-p




That Frank Sinatra’s Songs

I’m laying down in my bed staring at the ceiling. The more I stare, the more I don’t understand what I’m doing. It’s a bit chill tonight. I’m in my planet, reading a good book while suddenly I realize there’s Frank Sinatra’s song playing on my speaker. Bewitched. So I start checking my phone and apparently it’s playing the whole album of Mr. Sinatra. Not bad at all.

For once in my life. I know how songs can influence my mood strongly most of the time. But I really don’t know what to feel while listening to the album. But then I thought, good enough. I just lay down and start to just enjoying the song. Fly me to the moon. Independently feel ok. Really nice feeling.

I’ve been constantly planning a million items my whole life and when it doesn’t go as planned I suddenly feel like a stranger in the night. But this feeling at this very moment is really really nice. I’m ok with chaos. I’m accepting it because I learned sometimes uncertainty can lead you to a new and a better thing. Who knows, right.

My way might seem always the right ones. I still think they are, still. But, if it turned out wrong, call me irresponsible but I can live with that. I need to be careless sometimes, it’s good.

It’s a lovely night for me. I hope for you too.


Dearest night

I miss you all the time and I’m always wanting you more. I cannot skip you nor can I own you. I enjoy your presence though I know sometimes I admire you not the way you want me to. You warm my heart, but sometimes you also make my sleep a little bit colder than usual.

I dream about days I can just treat you like normal people. But I’m not normal that way. I cannot touch you, I can only feel you. Still I’m thankful for that. You are the sky and I cannot reach you so I decided to watch you from afar. Even then, everything is not ok but somehow my mind is at peace.

Night, I hope you’ll get the best out of life. I pray that you will always have moon to give you light and guidance, and also stars to give you company and to keep you happy.

Good night, night!

Life lesson #onemillioneighthundredfive

Bali, July 2015

There are mornings that are just too hard to digest. Mornings when I just feel like crawling back to my bed and just falling asleep one more time. To temporarily get rid of the pain inside my heart. One more time. It’s addictive, to fall asleep and to feel nothing. It never solved the real problem though. Still I think, I would take it whenever I’m given the chance.

I’m sitting on the beach and wondering about my life, my job, my family, my friends, everything. One absolute thing about growing up, things are not perfect and often not as you want them to be.

The part that makes me wanting to be a five year old girl again from this growing up thingy is the fact that as an adult I have to constantly make decisions. Decisions that are often against my heart or at the very least decisions that I haven’t got enough time to think about it thoroughly but I have to make one anyway. Because then comes consequences, the soulmate of decisions.

The thing is, you cannot wait forever to make a decision. You can take your time, but I’ve learned there’s a limit for that as well. Conclusion on making decision: be wise enough to take your time, but be brave enough to make one. Because sometimes you know what’s right already, you just feel like you cannot deal with the consequences. No lies, sometimes doing the right thing gives you heartache, especially when it’s against your will.

That’s the bad part: decision sometimes comes in a package together with pain. But no worries, good part: there’s always something to learn and you’ll know better.

I came to realize that life needs the waves to keep me awake.

A letter to my father

Hi Pah,

how is it going up there? I’m imagining you are sweeping the garden there wearing your short and your towel shirt and headband. Afterwards you will just take a shower and a nap. Later on, you will make yourself a cup of tea and talking to people. You always know how to make people laugh and make them feel as if your presence is a dear warm sunlight.

I always picture heaven with big gardens and colorful flowers blooming everywhere. And you were always fond of this scenery. I don’t know why you loved sweeping the garden so much, every time I asked your answer had always been: “In Shaolin Temple, the first lesson for the monks was to sweep the garden.” You said it’s a test whether you would do the smallest thing with sincerity and the best intention.ย Point taken.

I’ve been going ups and downs since you left. I miss you every day. Every night. I found it even hard for me to sleep sometimes, because I kept thinking about you and wondered whether you are also thinking about me. Now that you’re gone, I’m remembering and analyzing what you have done all your life. It always ends with a thought of how grateful I am to be your daughter. That I got to learn so many beautiful things from you, a very kind-hearted person.

Sometimes when disappointment knocks on my door and I feel really sad, I think about why can’t I be careless and be more logical about things. But then I thought, I’m my father’s daughter. You put a lot of piece of you in me and there’s no way I will change that.

You always said that a small start is also a start and it will grow bigger every time I add a piece of my heart into it. Even when I’m sweeping the floor. It might be a tiny job to do, but then you pointed out that when we do it wholeheartedly, it will be so meaningfulย as if it has invisible touch of love. You have always believed in kindness that it confused me sometimes why you let people abuse your kindness. Then you told me “when it doesn’t work the way you want it, but you have done all your good, you will be ok. Even when it takes awhile for your heart to be ok.”

You taught me that it’s ok to get hurt from putting all your heart into something. You told me that something will hurt so bad only when I love that much. Even then, the pain will turn into a beautiful thing, because I will always end up knowing that I actually have a really big heart and am so capable of sharing that much of love.

Vermisse dich sehr, Pah. Ich schreibe dir etwas anderes mal.



Letting go..

Something you have heard many times in your life. It’s raining badly and I just need to get it out of my chest.

Most of brave people I know, they know how to push through, when to do it and when they should stop. You see, when we are letting go of things that burdened us, it was never meant to show that we are weak and careless. It righteously shows that we are even braver to take risk of getting hurt and less harm for others. Wiser. Stronger.

It’s a tough season for me lately, juggling between so many things, one mishap to another. It eats you, drains you. But deep down inside I know I can make it through this and I also know that the worst part is when I’m being in this taking one little step one day at a time to get out of it.

I’m a list-freak, I created a lot of lists in my life that I cannot count anymore. So here’s the list for today:

  • Let go of things that you cannot control.ย I know this sentence for around ten years now, nevertheless it took me a deep and long process of sleepless night to remember it back again.
  • Let go of pain you cannot get rid of.ย Pain. It is always necessary to have it, it reminds you that you are human that you feel and you sense. Embrace it. Try things: sing it away, sleep it away, work it away, smoke it away, drink it away, etc.
  • Let go of things you cannot have.ย ย Your mind and your heart might sometimes know that this one particular is the perfect one, it feels so right and logically speaking is also correct. And then, breaking news: you cannot have it. Let it fly and set it free, as one wise man said: what’s meant for you, will come back to you. What’s not meant for you, will never be for you. Even when it feels right. Yes, even when it feels sooo right.
  • Let go of that exhaustion.ย Tough season is tiring, but you have to get it out of your system. You have to be able to lay down and force your mind to not think about anything. Not even solutions and plans. I know it is always good to make plans, but it forces your mind too much at some point and you need to stop.

So.. Things, persons, I’m letting you go. I’ve always been so clear in conveying my view, but you seem to either reserve your answer or contradict me. I need to put my life at ease, so I’m letting you all to fly away and be free. I wish I could fly with you and see the world together but my wings are broken. So damaged that I will have to stay on the ground and only look up to the sky.

Rain..rain.. you’re killing me inside. You’re cold and beast. You don’t wash away the sorrow, you speak my tears in a precise way. Thank you and thank you.


How to Preach To Yourself Under Pressure

First thing, remind yourself that there is no victory if there is no battle. This will mean that there will be a lot of things in life that will crush you, but you have to see every single breakdown as a chance to grow, to become greater. I’ve met a lot of people with great souls and the more time I spend with them the more stories I hear about their struggles in the past. And what they all have in common is: they flew high, fell so hard but they bounced even higher after the fall. They went through it, they didn’t run from it. ย They took valuable lesson out of it and carry on.

I was in Sydney a couple of weeks ago and I went to Hillsong Church together with my family, the guest pastor was Steven Furtick, founder and lead pastor of Elevation Churchย based in Charlotte, NC. He was preaching about “How to Preach to Yourself Under Pressure” and I think it was a great message for all of us as we all most of the time are under pressure.


NB: this post is written based on my notes that I took during the sermon so I’m quoting Pastor Furtick here and there.

Pastor Steven Furtick told us that there are three things we need to say to ourselves, which are:

1. “I’ve been here before, this isn’t my first time”

You might thought that you are over some of hard things in your life and you really thank God that it’s over. And then comes this “Oh no, not again”-moment (ONNAM). Yes,ย same hard situations you once had in the past, you thought you mastered it but it’s repeating again. Well, He knows best, if you’re having the ONNAM that means you’re not done yet. I’m not saying that it won’t happen to you again if you have mastered it, I’m saying that you’ll sayย I’ve been here before, this isn’t my first timeย instead. And the best part is that you went through it before and today stillย it’s the same God in me and for me. What’s keeping you from conquering the situation? NOTHING. Carry on!


2.ย “I’m not that important”

As bizzare as it may sound, once in awhile that sentence and thought can calm us down in the midst of pressure. The truth is worrying doesn’t take you anywhere, the sun will still rise in the morning and it will set in the afternoon. It has nothing to do with how you feel, what you do or else. You are not the centre of the world. So when you need to do something that you don’t like, tell yourself thatย you are not that important: you don’t have to do it, but you get to do it.ย That should make a lot of difference, because when you get to do it that means you are given a chance to execute it. It is not like as if you have to do it otherwise the world will crumble or anything. This is a great sentence by Pastor Furtick as a reminder: It’s not the load, but how you carry it that breaks you down“.ย Remember, you are not that important *wink*.


3. “I’m better under pressure.”

I’m hesitating to say this sentence out loud, because I feel like I’m attracting pressures to come to me. But, it’s absolutely true! You can’t win anything if you don’t have something to overcome. Look at my favourite apostle, Paul. I always think that I might have gone cray! if I was him. It amazes me how he can write tons of beautiful letters while he was in prison. He didn’t have the pity party while he was locked up, instead he wrote many amazing letters that help us today, thousand years after. I will say this: a great soul, a great person, does not build in a night. Pressure produces power and perseverance. Most of the time it will show the strength that you thought you never had. So remember this every time you are under pressure: it’s a chance, given to you, to grow, to become greater than before. Take it.



Stay awesome!